17 March 2015

Fancy some chips?

On the Trail of the Yellow Fingernail - Part 4

Recap: Our hero is in hot(ish) pursuit of the criminal the Yellow Fingernail who has stolen the villages fete stalls. Reports stated the Yellow Fingernail was spotted heading for the new town of Hemel Hempstead. 

My scooter wasn't the quickest; putt putting along at a steady 15 mph. I felt frustrated that I wouldn't be able to catch them and my hopes for acceptance dashed. I also had a nagging doubt about when I did catch them up, how would I spot them, stop them and get the stalls back to village?  

So whilst pondering these scenarios I ambled my way towards the next village which was Bovingdon. I was about to enter the village when I spotted something pinned to a tree. However I hadn't noticed the van coming in the other direction. We both swerved, narrowly avoiding contact. I hit the curb and was flung in the air and towards the tree with the notice pinned in it. We met with a thud and a crash. The scooter, now a mangled mess beside me.

Recovery was slow. Not helped with scooter parts caught in my clothing. I eventually brushed myself down and noticed that the letter pinned to the tree was addressed to me! 

The note was clear enough and so I checked my watch as I didn't want to be late and miss this chance. Looking at the mangled wreckage of my scooter I knew I had to walk. With Hemel a good three miles away I had to make haste. 

The walk was uneventful until I tried to make a shortcut through a corn field. Halfway across I had to take a short break as toilets were rather hard to come by. Within a few seconds however I heard a voice. 

"Get off my land or I'll blow your head off!" 
Slightly afraid I replied timidly by squeaking "hold on a minute". 
"I'm in the middle of a rather delicate operation".
"I'll give you an operation in a minute if you don't get off my land". 
"Look, nearly there." I was nowhere near! The panic had stopped all bodily functions.

I suddenly heard footsteps approaching. I had no intention of meeting the farmer with his gun, especially with my trousers around my ankles. So without caring to pull said trousers up I started to run as quickly as I could. As I ran I battled to pull up my trousers, failing completely and tripped, falling into an area of manure. Fear now gripped me as the farmer let off a shot from his gun. I scrambled to my feet pulled up my trousers and now covered in muck I ran as quickly as I could, narrowly avoiding the next pellet the farmer had fired off. Seeing the edge of the field and a fence approaching I decided to make a run and jump for freedom. The fence was at the top of a steep slope that fell away to a holly bush and a road at the bottom. I leaped the fence and landed in a heap and started to roll down the hill. Away from the farmer but gathering enough speed to hit the holly bush at the bottom with an almighty crack. I lay sore and bruised. Two accidents in one day was quite enough. 

I waited to see if the farmer was still pursuing me but thankfully he wasn't. Relived I gathered myself together and I peered through the hedge. Noticing a road sign that said Hemel was one mile away. I needed to get to that chip shop and fast. Not only was I hungry and
quite fancied some chips, I was also in desperate need for the toilet.
So with all the energy I could spare I set off down the road towards the concrete city and the chip shop rendezvous with The Yellow Fingernail.

Coming soon: Part 5 - "I'll have vinegar with them please"  


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