29 January 2015

"Where's me coconuts?"

Part 2: On the Trail of the Yellow Fingernail

The sun was shining into my room the next morning and as I opened my eyes this horrendous vision greeted me. Beady eyes and strange curly things dangling from graying hair, bright red lips and bad breath. It was Mother shaking me rather violently for some reason.

 "Get up, get up" I heard her saying. 

I rose quickly bashing my head onto her chin. "Get up, get up" turned into words best not described in these pages but lets just say she wasn't pleased. Having recovered and given me a wrap around my head, she ordered me to go downstairs as someone had come to see me. She stormed out the room, leaving me to ponder this strange, early morning request.

Deciding to dress later I threw on my dressing gown and bounded down the stairs and into the kitchen. I was greeted by a smug looking Mr Kiln (head Parish Councillor) sitting at the table drinking a cup of tea. Without talking he threw that mornings edition of the Leyhill Echo cross to me. I looked down at the headline and then looked across at Mr Kiln.

"Shock, Horror - Coconut Stall Goes Missing
Messieurs Kiln and Pickles are said to be disgusted at the latest crime to hit the streets of Leyhill." More to follow...

I stood contemplating the implications of the headline. He stood up, thanked Mother and just as he was leaving turned to me.

"Get yourself dressed properly and come to the my office."
"What the shed at the bottom of your garden?" I replied. 
"Just be there", and with that he stormed out of the kitchen. 

I headed upstairs, slightly confused by what had just happened. 
I got changed and headed out, as I walked down the road towards Mr Kilns shed (office) I bumped into the local tramp Mr Partridge, who was also one of Mr Kilns henchmen. 

"You smell" he stated. Charming I thought.
"So do you" I replied, regretting the comment as he brought a smelly fist up to my throat. 
"Listen, if I say you smell, you smell. Got it?" 
"Ok, look I'm just off to see Mr Kiln as someone has stolen the coconut stalls".
"Yeah I've heard that, strange business if you ask me, something not right about that", he said lessening his grip.
"Why" I asked, thinking he was not telling me everything, what with him being one of Mr Kilns henchmen.
"Not telling you because you smell!" And with that he started to walk off, dragging me for a moment until he realised he still had hold of me. He let go and turned, shook his head and walked towards the pub. 

All rather bizarre I thought and with that I continued down the road. This was a catastrophe for the village. No fete, no money for the pubs! The village would lose its credibility amongst the surrounding villages. Leyhill would become the laughing stock of the county. 

As I arrived at Mr Kilns shed, PC Bob Pig was standing outside, picking his nose. He opened the door and I was greeted by Mr Kiln sitting behind a makeshift desk of a plank of wood balanced on a lawnmower and a chair. He again threw a newspaper at me with a new headline (they print them quickly I thought). I looked at the latest headline and then looked back at him.

FETE TO BE CANCELLED - now reports suggest all the stalls have been taken. Messieurs Kiln and Pickles said to be utterly disgusted. More to follow....

This was shocking, truly shocking, but what did they want from me?
"Sit down Wilson. What we are about to tell you is confidential between me, you and Mr Pig out there. Pig stop picking your nose." he shouted. And with that he explained everything....

Find out what happens in the next installment ...Pub brawls and fete stalls


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